Why you go fine like this?

This is to be read in a dramatic Igbo accent.

Why you go fine like this?

Pesin go fine like this? Unbelievable. I am caught up in utter amazement. I am bemused, bewildered, amazed, flabbergasted. Why? Kilode. What can fa? This is too much. It is ridiculous, ludicrous, ludacris.

You’re sweet like coconut, your body like ajebutter. You look sumptuous, delectable, appetizing. You look like a chilled Coca Cola bottle on a sunny Tuesday. You look like a sophisticated something — like gateau frosted with caramel. You look like strawberry if the budget for looks was enough for taste. You look like Iya Ahmed’s ewa agonyin beside properly bromated bread.

What happened? Right before these pictures, who dared you? Ah. Every time you snap, you snap. Did someone raise the temperature in here? You come with asphyxiation. Who shall attempt inhalation? Who? Ni bo? Ko wole.

Give us this day, our daily sauce. How else would we take it? Our eager hands will stay behind our backs until you decide to. All of us, we will lay our necks on the undeserving ground for your triumphant entry. Tread on us. Glory! Hosanna in the finest.

Why you go waka like this?

This your kurukere waka go scatter my dada, I want to have your kids. My owo are soke. Impregnate me, baby girl. Belle, give me this bele. Your genes are evident in your jeans. You dey fill am, boys dey feel am. When they see you, they are lovestruck. You don’t need to tell me say you got options. I go dey for queue, for you.

When you walk outside, you will cause traffic. They will be staring from their steerings. They will be counting — seventeen, eighteen, left, right. They will be wondering. What a POV. What an SUV. Tear rubber wey no dey tear. E sure for you. But they can’t have it. Or see it. It is tinted. Go on, pose. Park well, and balance well for me. I be Victor wey no dey worry. E sure for me.

What could be that object at your feet? Ah. It is the world, isn’t it? The world is beneath your heels, it is in your shadow. And when you walk outside, the sun can retire. You bring the light, light that makes ghosts of all darkness. You require no light, you are light itself. You forge wonders. Nna mehn, you’re fucking awesome. Have you met yourself?

Why you go smile like this?

Omoge, what’s your P? Show me. I can be your substance, it’s easy when the love don’t hide. I love it when you smile. Smile for me, one time. Oya smile for this Yoruba boy. Show me your 32. See your teeth. Chai. Odikwa oyinbo shine shine. Looking like Ad for a toothpaste brand.

Oya come. Come hug me like teddy. Chai. Na pesin dey scent like this? You smell foreign. What eau du is this odor? Come touch my body. Hold me oh, let out body join join. Chai, body wey soft. Baby, I dey catch cold. Do some osmosis. Heat me with your semi-permeable membrane. Biggy biggy, heavy heavy.

Why you go do me like this?

Skrrr. It is electrically shocking me. You dey tingalingaling my body. Look at yours. Belly fat? Leave it like that. Your biology is fine art. You are a master, a piece, a masterpiece. Tell me, who made it possible? Your mama? Your papa? One time, tiri gbosa for the two person who born you.

I ask again, who raised the temperature in here? 100 degrees because of the 50 degrees on these brows? This is some make up. Who is on this beat? You are glistening, beaming. Ahan. What do they call this one? I hope it tastes nice. Come, let me lick you. MUA or not, you can have my muah.

Finish me. Shine for me. Snap for me. Send to me. Smile for me. Walk for me. Ego Oyibo, I am your hype-man. Or do it for whatever reason. Let me just be there, privy. It is a murder, let me just be jury. What will you write on my epitaph? Now that you have finished me? My cause of death? Exposure to excessive beauty. Your cause of death? Enjoyment. I swear it. No, it must seize you by the neck.

Bill me. Because you be my odo, I put something for your aza. I go send you figure wey you go manya manya. Spend all my ego, spend it. Why you dey form? But I get the funds. Let me launch today’s unveiling. You are worth it. Never second guess yourself. Show this confidence, we love to see it. Oya, pose. One time for my baby oh. Come in like Onyeka Onwenu.

Dance for me. I made a playlist for you. Which dance would you like to do? Dance my amapiano. Dance my makosa. Like this, like that.

Oya, lokosa.

Celina, lokosa.

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